Woes of a School Secretary
by Sarin-sama
Summary: Suzanne Keats was a simple secretary starting a new job at the local public school, D. Roger High School. She technically hates children - especially teenagers - but being the office secretary of a high school couldn't be too bad, right?...Right? **Rated:Random**
1. Introduction & Law the Doctor

**This is something completely random - just a warning. It came to me at one in the morning, and my mind just wouldn't let me stop. I was trying to focus on my other OP fanfic (Lawless for those of you who are interested) but my stubborn brain just kept coming up with these little snippets. I'm gonna call it a mini-series because i'm not sure on the technical term ~ the chapters are pretty short compared to a full-blown story. Anywho, I'll stop blathering on and let you get on with the randomness.**

**Rated T for language, and that's probably it.**

****Disclaimer - I don't own One Piece or the characters I've borrowed for this story. I only own the poor secretary, Miss Keats.****

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**Introduction & Law the Doctor**:

I was misled. This was no ordinary public school, but in fact an asylum for the clinically insane.

It must be – all the students here were crazy. Bat-shit insane. Out of their fucking minds. They act like they were raised by wolves…or maybe cannibals. I can never determine which they most resemble. But either way, they're out of control and I've somehow managed to get put in charge of the entire lot – from the frenzied freshmen to the dominating seniors.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands, "How the hell did it end up like this?"

Actually I knew the answer to this question.

It was that damned ginger Principal! The stereotype must be true because that man has no soul! My third day on the job I came to the school's office, sat down at my sturdy desk, and found a pink sticky-note clinging to my computer screen with the Principal's messy handwriting on it.

"Going on a vacation – I'll probably be back. Take care of everything for me, alright?" He signed it with his initials and a doodle of a smiley face giving me a peace sign.

Seriously, a vacation? In the middle of the first semester? Was it a joke?

It wasn't.

That first day I expected him to jump out at me from somewhere and start laughing at how flustered I was, but when I asked the teaching staff if he was serious, they told me that he disappears quite often.

"But isn't there a vice-principal or something to take his place while he's gone? Why do I have to be in charge? I'm just a secretary!" I ranted to the only teacher who would listen.

Miss Makino just smiled calmly at me, "Sorry, there's no Vice Principal – Mr. Principal usually leaves someone different in charge each time. Don't worry; he must think you can do a good job if he's left you in charge."

"But this is only my third day!"

Miss Makino just waved away my frantic shouts and returned to her Home Economics class.

That had been two weeks ago.

That damned Principal still hadn't come back.

"Stupid ginger," I muttered under my breath.

The ringing phone interrupted me from bemoaning my bad luck. I picked it up quickly and said politely into the phone, "This is Keats."

A very distressed voice shouted into my ear as soon as my words ended.

"Calm down, Mr. Vega! I can't understand you when you shout like that," I interrupted.

_Great_, I thought, _Mr. Vega's having another emergency – what is it, the twelfth one since I've been in charge?_

But this time the emergency seemed legitimate.

"He did WHAT?" I shouted into the phone after the distressed science teacher calmed down enough for me to understand.

"Oh God," I moaned, "Alright, I'll call him in. I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Vega. I assure you he'll –"

But Mr. Vega was not listening anymore – instead he was sobbing into the phone.

I had no idea what else I could say to ease the man's loss, so I just hung up.

"Dear Lord," I moaned again, "What's wrong with this place."

I placed my hand on the red button on the old-fashioned telephone that connected me to the P.A. System. I spoke into the phone and heard my voice echo throughout the school, "Will Trafalgar Law please come to the school office. I repeat: Trafalgar, to my office, _right now_."

I hoped that my anger was adequately conveyed through the grainy speaker system, and waited at my desk for the troublemaker to come through the open doorway.

Suddenly a lanky figure appeared looking nonchalant and unconcerned. "You rang for me, Miss Keats?" the sophomore, Trafalgar Law, asked coolly as he stepped up to my large wooden desk. He didn't sit in either of the two overly-stuffed chairs on that side of the desk, but instead continued to stand with his thumbs hooked in the front pockets of his odd leopard spotted blue-jeans.

I sighed for probably the billionth time since my unwanted rise to power – this boy seemed oddly relaxed for someone who'd just committed a murder.

"I just got a call from a very upset Mr. Vega. Do you want to guess what it was about?"

The boy didn't respond. He just stared blankly at me with his cold blue eyes while waiting for me to continue.

"Mr. Vega says that he found you cutting up his pet iguana. Would you care to explain _why_ you decided to kill your science teacher's pet?"

Trafalgar sighed at me as if I were being troublesome and shifted his weight, "Miss Keats, are you aware of the incident last week when the Iguana escaped from his tank?"

I frowned, "Over half of the freshmen students skipped their afternoon classes so that they could hunt it down – so, yes, I recall the incident. What does that have to do with why you murdered the poor Iguana?"

The cold-eyed boy shook his head, "I noticed this morning in Biology that the iguana had been acting strangely and I assumed that those ruffian freshmen injured the reptile in their attempt to capture it. I felt that it was my responsibility to perform surgery on the animal as I was confident that it had some internal damage. Had Mr. Vega not burst into the room and start screaming at me during the procedure, the Iguana would have lived."

By this time my eyes had closed in disbelief and my habit of pinching the bridge of my nose when irritated was evident.

After his calm explanation, we were both silent.

What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

Finally I opened my eyes, "And what, Mr. Trafalgar, did you use to play doctor? Please don't tell me that you actually brought _knives_ to school – you can be expelled for that!"

The boy just continued his cool stare at me, "Miss Keats, a scalpel can hardly be considered a knife. Knives are clumsy and violent, while a scalpel is a delicate instrument. As a doctor, I cannot let you lump the two together."

I ran a hand through my messy hair, "Law, you aren't a doctor – or a vet for that matter! What makes you think that you're qualified to start cutting open an injured iguana? Kids have been expelled for lesser things than this – you're lucky I don't have the right to expel you!" I ranted.

I shook my head and waved towards the door, "Just go, Law – your detention will be posted on the list so watch for it. If you don't show up, it doubles – you know the drill."

The sophomore sighed at me again, as if I were the troublesome person, and turned to leave, saying something under his breath about qualifications, but I was too exhausted to pay attention to him.

This place was going to rupture my sanity.

If that damned ginger Principal didn't get back soon, he'd probably find me dead at my desk with my brains blown out the back of my head.

And this was only the beginning of my troubles.

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**A/n: lol so feel free to flame or whatever. I know it's kinda random, but cant you just imagine all the crazy things the colorful cast of OP would get called to the office for? Haha and you can probably guess who the ginger Principal is :P**

**Anyways, **

**Interesting? Decent? Horrible? You should tell me xD**


	2. The Gluttons

**Here's the second episode to this mini-series lol oh and i forgot to mention - if you want to see a certain OP character get called into see the secretary, I will take requests xD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, nor the characters featured in this story. I only own the poor, angry secretary.**

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**The Gluttons:**

I stared at the two freshmen who were taking up space on the other side of my desk. It was times like these when I fully appreciated the oaken beast of a desk that I'd been given. It was actually quite an ugly thing – thick and sturdy, as if the carpenter who made it wanted it to last through multiple natural disasters and catastrophes – but on days like these it provided a sufficient buffer that kept the psychotic children away from me.

The first of the two troublemakers was a girl with soft pink hair, clad in a shirt that stopped a few inches above her navel, bright orange suspenders and pink and black striped shorts. As always, Bonney Jewelry was chewing some snack or another, but her face seemed rather angry today.

The second of the two was a wiry boy with stark black hair and a small scar under his left eye. He was a constant visitor to my office and had so far racked up the most detention hours out of the whole school of lunatics since my reluctant rise to power. Monkey D. Luffy – whose name, I was sure was fake, made up purely for the purpose of annoying me – was already on my list of kids to watch out for along with most of his friends.

This time the two had been sent to my office together.

I let my chin rest in the palm of my hand and leaned against my desk, "What is it this time? Please don't tell me you started another food fight…"

Bonney shook her head and let out a huffy breath, "We're the victims of discrimination! Luffy and I were minding our own business in class when Mr. Hawk up and decided to send us to the office. It's outrageous – you should have a stern talking to him." The girl, who always struck me as some sort of hipster crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the black-haired boy, "Right Luffy?"

Luffy, who'd plopped down in one of the overly-stuffed chairs on the other side of my desk as soon as the talking started just moaned loudly, "So hungry~!"

I raised an eyebrow at the hipster girl, "Are you sure it wasn't because you were disturbing class again?"

"I was just having a snack, and that tyrant of a history teacher sent me to you."

"You're supposed to eat at lunch break or between classes. You couldn't wait 45 minutes for your class to end? And what about him?" I asked nodding towards the moaning boy, "Why'd he get sent to me?"

"His stomach was growling loud enough to drown out Mr. Hawk's lecture – but that's beside the point. Let's get back to the fact that the 'No eating in class' rule is ridiculous! I have a very high metabolism and if I don't eat almost constantly I'll get dizzy and pass out. The other teachers are very understanding about my situation. How could Mr. Hawk be so uncompassionate?" Bonney ranted, passionately throwing her arms about for emphasis.

I shook my head, "You'll have to take that up with him. I'd suggest eating something and heading back to class. Move along, Miss Jewelry."

She sighed at me and looked down at Luffy, "What should we do about him?"

"Ugh, if he's that hungry there's no use trying to get him to concentrate on class. I'll send him to the cafeteria and ask one of the lunch ladies to give him some leftovers or something."

Luffy's head perked up at this, "Uwah! Really? For a mean old hag, you're kinda nice!" He grinned widely at me despite the multiple insults he'd just thrown my way.

My brow creased, "Old? I'm only twenty-five!"

"That's what you're upset about? He just called you a hag…" Bonney muttered.

I lazily looked to the hipster punk, "It's not that I'm being nice – I just hate kids and don't feel like dealing with every little damn problem that pops up. So both of you, eat something and then get back to class. If you get sent back here again I'll just throw you into detention with the other delinquents."

Luffy laughed with his stupid grin, "Aye Aye Misses K!"

Bonney gave a little huff, "Alright, but I still think you need to talk to Mr. Hawk about being a little more lenient."

I shooed them out of the office with hurried hand signals and let my head fall onto my desk once they had left.

I really hate kids. I don't know what I was thinking when I applied for this black-hole of a job.

Maybe I'd already been hit by the insanity before coming here…

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**So, Interesting? Decent? Horrible? You should tell me! xD**

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Mr Franky the Speedo Pervert

**hehe, sorry for no updates ~ i kinda forgot about this one. Anyways, since Franky is much older than the rest of his crew, i immediately thought of him as a teacher xD **

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**Mr. Franky the Speedo Pervert:**

As if the student body didn't contain enough insanity for this accursed place, the teachers all had to be full-blown nut jobs as well. Well, I guess not all – there were a few examples who'd managed to avoid catching the insanity, but the number was small enough for me to count on one hand.

And the one who seemed to be vying for the title of "The Ultimate Weirdo" was the wood-shop instructor, Mr. Franky Flam – though he usually urged everyone to call him Mr. Franky instead, since he thought Flam sounded like a gross disease.

His massive form squeezed through the open office doorway – seriously, his arms looked more like cannons than flesh, and his upper body was ridiculously dis-proportioned to his skinny chicken-legs. And as if his oddly dis-proportioned body wasn't eye-catching enough, his hair was dyed a vibrant blue and gelled to stand almost straight up, like some homage to a 60's hairdo. At the moment he was wearing a regular collared shirt with an atrocious olive green flowery pattern – but the call I just received a few minutes ago from an outraged mother said that this wasn't how he usually dressed.

"Yo! You called for me Missy K?" He said as he pushed his sunglasses higher up on his large nose.

"Don't call me that Mr. Franky," I said tiredly, "I'm Miss Keats, or Suzanne if you really have to be informal."

He just gave a bellowing laugh and crossed his massive arms over his wide chest, "So what's goin' on?"

I ran a hand through my messy brown hair and just stared at the gargantuan man. The students all really seemed to like him – probably because he had the same crazy running through his veins as they all did. They called him the Cyborg for reasons unbeknownst to me, and truthfully I couldn't care less what they called him…all I cared about was what the parents had called to tell me.

"Mr. Franky…I've received quite a few calls from concerned parents. I'd really love to think that it wasn't true, but a few of them said that you've shown up to class in nothing but a Speedo. Can you please, please tell me that it's some sort of joke, or lie?"

He let out a huffy breath, "Of course that's not true!"

I let out a sigh, "Oh, thank God – I thought that –" but my relief was quickly snuffed out by the bulky teacher.

"I was wearing a shirt as well," He informed me with a proud smile.

I buried my face in my hands for a few seconds, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to address this situation…and also wondering for the billionth time what I had done to deserve such a horrible punishment as this job. Finally I came up for air, and neatly folded my hands on the desk in front of me, "Was there any sort of reason for this strange fashion statement?"

"It was a Tuesday," he answered nonchalantly.

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

"Hmmm, Casual Tuesdays?"

I frowned, "That's a horrible excuse."

The shop-teacher tapped at his temple with one of his fingers, which also seemed bulky with muscle, "Well, I'm also the swim coach, so wouldn't it be normal for me to wear my swimming gear?"

"Swimming season doesn't start until spring, Mr. Franky." I shook my head and just stared in disbelief at the man.

He sighed and crossed his arms again, "Anyways, I don't see what the problem is."

"It's not normal for teachers to parade around in Speedos – you could get sued for sexual harassment, or something."

"They think I'm a pervert?" he asked with an oddly giddy voice.

"Why are you happy about that?! You're not the one who's been getting all the weird calls from the parents!"

"Yo, relax Missy K – you'll blow a blood vessel." He raised his hands and made fanning motions as if that would somehow help cool my temper.

"I wonder who's fault that would be," I muttered and ran my fingers through my disheveled hair, "Alright – I'll come up with some excuse for the parents, but you have to promise that you won't wear your Speedo to class again, alright? Don't teachers have some sort of dress code that they have to follow…like wearing pants, for example?"

"But pants cramp my style," he complained.

"I really don't care – just keep them on from now on."

He sighed and nodded, "Fine, fine ~ have it your way." He turned and squeezed his hulking figure out of my doorway.

I slouched in my seat and wondered if there was something in the water that made everyone here completely insane.

I decided that bottled water was definitely a necessity, if I wanted to put off catching the crazy for very long…

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**So Decent? Interesting? Horrible? ~ You should tell me xD**


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